Is it lonely being so smart?
How does it feel when they call you crazy for talking over their heads? Do you ever sleep with your restless mind?
What’s it like flying through leaves like the wind knowing they can only acknowledge you if you’re contained?
To be built to swim against the tide yet you spend your days wishing you could let go and swim with the rest of them. Let their tide carry you for once.
What’s it like to die everyday so others can live?
To see the end game all by yourself. To be everywhere and nowhere at the same time?
How do you keep going?
Why do you wake up and do it again?
“Funnily enough, as drenched as I am [from the rain] and as sad as I feel (because mornings are generally rough) I have never felt more relieved to not be at home. I feel so so sad. But I have to block that out so I can teach…*sigh* Not so fun being on the other side, is it?”
When I wrote the quote above that day [sometime last year], I had just been rained on and I was drying off in a random corridor on campus. I was pissed off because I had decided at the last minute to not wear my gumboots and my raincoat. I really believed it wouldn’t rain despite the grey clouds I saw in the sky. [It poured five minutes after I left the house.] And I’m not a morning person, as already stated, so it was doubly rough. But I couldn’t back out. I had to teach It was my job. I was getting paid for it. So I put my feelings aside and taught. And felt happy afterwards….and again the next week and the week after that.
I kinda knew that the day would come where I would have to tutor/teach a class. I just didn’t believe it actually would. [Some background as to why: I was repeatedly told that I would make a sucky teacher because I have zero patience (true) and I don’t like repeating myself when I talk (also true). One day I believed it and it stuck….until now.] So the day came when I had to tutor my first class ever in my life. And I was nervous. I had a meltdown the night before. I re-read the instructions for the class I dunno how many times. I prepped adequately and it still didn’t feel like enough. I thought of every situation that could go wrong and came up with as many solutions to the problems as possible. I was convinced that I’d fuck up…completely. One thing that I did right was arrive an hour early. Because I spent that entire hour tryina find the venue….which I did eventually. My first class was awkward. I was nervous, but I hid it well. And in my nervousness, I somehow strangely felt at home. Teaching came naturally to me. I never thought that it would. The more tutorials I took, the more I enjoyed it….even if the content was a bit boring at times.
Until I had a bad day…
Which was today. (To be continued.)
As you would any other person. Taking your cue from them. You see, in order to ‘read’ hypersensitive people, you yourself have to be somewhat sensitive. Or at least aware. You have to be able to look outside of yourself and what you see. The good thing about this is that you get to choose when to be sensitive/aware.
We don’t. We just are. All day everyday.
To be continued…..