“Funnily enough, as drenched as I am [from the rain] and as sad as I feel (because mornings are generally rough) I have never felt more relieved to not be at home. I feel so so sad. But I have to block that out so I can teach…*sigh* Not so fun being on the other side, is it?”
When I wrote the quote above that day [sometime last year], I had just been rained on and I was drying off in a random corridor on campus. I was pissed off because I had decided at the last minute to not wear my gumboots and my raincoat. I really believed it wouldn’t rain despite the grey clouds I saw in the sky. [It poured five minutes after I left the house.] And I’m not a morning person, as already stated, so it was doubly rough. But I couldn’t back out. I had to teach It was my job. I was getting paid for it. So I put my feelings aside and taught. And felt happy afterwards….and again the next week and the week after that.
I kinda knew that the day would come where I would have to tutor/teach a class. I just didn’t believe it actually would. [Some background as to why: I was repeatedly told that I would make a sucky teacher because I have zero patience (true) and I don't like repeating myself when I talk (also true). One day I believed it and it stuck....until now.] So the day came when I had to tutor my first class ever in my life. And I was nervous. I had a meltdown the night before. I re-read the instructions for the class I dunno how many times. I prepped adequately and it still didn’t feel like enough. I thought of every situation that could go wrong and came up with as many solutions to the problems as possible. I was convinced that I’d fuck up…completely. One thing that I did right was arrive an hour early. Because I spent that entire hour tryina find the venue….which I did eventually. My first class was awkward. I was nervous, but I hid it well. And in my nervousness, I somehow strangely felt at home. Teaching came naturally to me. I never thought that it would. The more tutorials I took, the more I enjoyed it….even if the content was a bit boring at times.
Until I had a bad day…
Which was today. (To be continued.)
They laugh at me like they’re watching stand-up comedy when I’m being serious.
Lord forbid she gets angry ’cause that’s when the fun really begins.
Look at her shake with anger, raise her voice when no-one hears her.
Funniest shit ever.
Originally posted on Thought Catalog:
1. It may be exhausting but you can put on Oscar worthy acting performances for days, weeks or even months at a time, pretending to be okay with people and things that are actually stressing you out & driving you crazy. You’re basically a super dedicated, unpaid method actor.
2. Giving attitude here and there is a survival mechanism you use to avoid exploding. It’s a way of slightly sedating a potential blow up temporarily. Think of it like slowly unscrewing the cap of a soda so the carbonation doesn’t cause a massive, fizzy mess and overflow out of the bottle.
3. Thinking that your feelings are foreign to everyone else. When you see yourself as somewhat of a Martian, it’s easy to refrain from expressing what’s inside because you’re fairly certain nobody wouldn’t understand anyway.
4. In modern dating there are a lot of games…
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Sometimes songs are able to just capture what you’re feeling at a particular moment. Most times, they end up carrying you to your next point….or until you find the words to express yourself again.
And no, it doesn’t make me depressed. It actually keeps me focused. Helps me work.
Minus a few items, this reminds me so much of my childhood.
January has thankfully ended and like some (or many) of you, I am relieved. January always just seems to drag on forever and ever whether or not you’re broke. As relieved as I am that January is over, I am equally nervous and anxious and my mind is just all over the place. The relaxing holiday that I had hoped for, I never really got. But I have learnt so much from it. I gained a family, realised that some things about myself with always stay the same and was once again forced to confront recurring issues…..
I haven’t confronted any of these recurring issues because…well I’m an emotional procrastinator. But after Carrot’s complaints about my no longer posting notes on facebook as well as life events (such as turning 30 in August, new job, studies), I figured maybe I should start writing again. For my own sanity at least. So that is the goal (not resolution) for this year. To write more and take it from there. There are a lot of things I need to reflect on and re-evaluate. Mostly stuff about my character and my purpose on this earth. So, many of my posts will be of a reflective nature. Yes, it’s rather indulgent but it is after all my blog and I can do what I want with it, so…. :)
Till the next post then.
Keep well. x
10. A compliment
9. A new pair of (kick-ass) shoes
8. A song
7. A warm, refreshing shower
6. A haircut
4. A kiss
3. Getting lost
2. A phone call
1. A letter/ note